The Death of A husband

As my little ones play on the floor in front of my bed .... My mind wonders to Eneke smith the widow of the Detective Eric Smith. My heart aches for her because I know all to well the pain that she is in right now. Widows like me seem to ban together because the grief we face is so unreal. She and her husband work in the same building .... I am sure she has to walk by the room in which her husband was murdered and I know how it is when I go by the street corner my husband died, your heart stops. Even as I approach the corner I am like my husband was alive until he reach this spot. I can feel her pain as shots rang out and not knowing what was going on but running to the scene only to find out that the officer down was your husband. I am positive that moments before that, she was probably planning what she would cook that evening when they got home for work, or making plans for summer. Never thinking that today when we go to work at 5:40 I will join the widow club. I am sure that she woke up this morning thinking everything was just a dream and that her husband would be laying beside her like the previous night, not knowing that was their last night together. I know it's some nights and mornings that I have to wake up and tell myself that my husband is dead ......gone forever .....that I must raise our children alone. All the plans we made together will never happen. Whenever I attend weddings now , I always cringe at the till death do us part , portion of the ceremony. Cause in that moment , you never think about one of you dying. And having your husband die unexpected brings about a different type of grief. So many what ifs come across your mind. What if I did this? What if I kept him longer, what if I said this? Did I know this would be the last time we speak? It's a different cross to carry when you know that five minutes ago you saw your husband alive and then five minutes later he was dead. That type of grief never goes away. It's something that we learn to live with. It has become my new normal to wake up every morning and remind myself that hemp husband is no longer with my family. For the longest on the day of the week he died it was like reliving the nightmare over again. I would stare at the clock and be like its noon.....he's on his lunch break, he will be home in a few minutes to eat then back out the door. ...then more time goes by and I am like okay it's 2p.....we just talked on the phone, and made plans for our anniversary. Then the clock strikes 3:39 and I am like omg he's dead now. I am positive that while we are all watching the news ..... Detective Smith's widow has turned off her tv , so she doesn't have to hear the constant reminder of yesterdays tragic events. Everything seems so unreal when you lose your husband in this manner. You start to think of so many things that you didn't say to him. So many things that you could have said and wanted to say to him. Then you have to think of how to break the news to your children. Being a widow is something that no friend who isn't a widow or have never been a widow will never understand.